DEBRIEF Part I-Family reunification

Yes, I am writing this in the wee hours of the morning. Why, you ask? Well, my daughter has been up for the last few hours, crying for me from her crib. I have gone in and out of her room (probably a mistake) and have even tried the (bad habit) of putting her in bed with me...not working. As of right now, she is downstairs with daddy and wide awake, showing no signs of going to sleep. My hypothesis, separation anxiety.

When I first found out that I was going to Korea, I was overwhelmed with excitement, nervousness, frustration and hope. As if that was not complicated enough, I had to factor in the separation from my family. With the exception of a separation (for a week) shortly before my departure to Korea, I had never spent a SINGLE day away from my daughter. That was probably the start of the breaking point. Somehow, I thought that I would be the one to do all of the agonizing and due to the young age of my daughter (she will be 2 soon), I figured that time would escape her and she would be fine. It seems that I was wrong and the recovery process is underway--for both of us.

I took this journey, in many respects, for the future of my child. While this may not seem like a big deal to many, my daughter is the ONE AND ONLY (that I know of) person genetically tied to me by BLOOD. That includes a little Korean blood, which oddly enough, is more noticeable in her than in me, so some people say. That includes a sweet, little Korean nurse who cared for us in the hospital when my daughter was born. Even scarier, that same nurse used to work for Holt in Seoul-my adoption agency, around the time that I was born.

For the first time in my 30+ years of life, I have a biological connection to someone. Someone I can share my life story with because it directly affects her (or will at some point). Someone I can look at and say hey, she has my eyes, my hair, my feet. Someone who may have more knowledge of her medical history as she gets older. Like me, she will still have many unanswered questions but I am confident and hopeful that she will not grapple with issues of identity, abandonment, etc. to the degree that I did (and after this journey) still do. Who knows, maybe this random banter I am posting will have some deep meaning to her later on.

The reflection period has officially begun. Let the healing start.