I have been home for about three weeks and I'm slowly taking the time to process my journey to Korea, from beginning to end. The business aspects, the social aspects, and most importantly, the personal aspects. It may not sound like a lot but the weight of my experiences is getting heavier and heavier as I move on with my "normal" life. Although I've left Korea, a piece of me remained.
When I first thought about returning to Korea, I was very young (circa 5-6). I saw unicorns and rainbows. I was going to return to Korea, change my name back to my given name, and live happily ever after. Needless to say, it didn't work out that way and I'm not complaining. Instead, I've embraced my life in the States-my family, my friends, my career, my HOMELAND. The only one I've ever known. While my brief time in Korea gave me a fairly comprehensive view of the life left behind, I am unsure as to whether or not I want to dig deeper into the emotional abyss to see what else I might uncover.
Prior to my departure, I was thoroughly convinced that I would obtain little to no new information upon my arrival at Holt and my orphanage. I was certain that I was only going to do site visits, check the places out and verify the information that I formulated in my mind, in tandem with my adoption file. Instead I got the gift that keeps on giving...more ambiguity, confusion, frustration, and very little closure. Longer stay in the orphanage? Different birthdate? Foster family information? I suppose obtaining that information would have been easier to digest if I hadn't convinced myself that this was not possible. My security blanket was shredded to pieces. My soul was broken. Some of my emotional wounds were re-opened.
Since returning home, I've had a number of conversations with people regarding my trip. I've commonly been asked, "how was your trip?" Who knew a simple question like that could be so difficult to answer. Dare I say LOADED? The answer varied depending upon who I was talking with and the nature of my relationship with them. For some, it was as simple as, "it was great, it was amazing, it was interesting"--all true, but obviously not the whole story. It was life-changing. It was deeply depressing. It was highly inspirational. It was exactly what I expected. It was not at all what I expected. It made me want to stay longer. It made me want to run away and never return. It forced me to tackle my demons. It helped reinforce who I am. It left me defeated with a sense of betrayal. It gave me a sense of pride. All that in three short weeks.
So, what's next? I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE. For the most part, I have returned to my blessed life and resumed my "normal" activities. On the other hand, my mind has been constantly racing with ideas of grandeur and next steps. I've even had chats with my dear friend Melissa about a small business venture in Korea. While that is highly unlikely, it has been entertaining to think about. There is also the possibility of dual citizenship. That could mean carrying a Korean passport. It could mean voting in Korean elections. It could mean financial obligations. I could have all of the rights Korean citizens enjoy, dislike, and (maybe) take for granted everyday BUT, do I want that? As of today, I'm not quite sure. One might argue that I, as a Korean adoptee, am entitled to citizenship since I was not given the choice to leave my former homeland. I'm not sure that is a compelling enough reason to go that path.
With over 100,000 Korean adoptees worldwide, eligible to (re)apply for Korean citizenship (depending upon the regulations of their home countries), what could this mean for Korea? It is reassuring that the Korean government supports dual citizenship for adoptees since it, in some ways, publicly acknowledges Korea's history of adoption. In the future, it may help alleviate the social scars and taboo nature of adoption since Korea has recently "reclaimed" their abandoned and surrendered children, by limiting (closing) transracial adoptions. I think Korea still has a long way to go and this will not solve all of the unresolved tensions and issues, but it may be a good jumping off point. I guess that gives me some serious food for thought.
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