Empty registry

The wound has been re-opened. Today, I may have been better off shopping. Instead, I went to Holt Korea to meet with a case worker and view my adoption files. To be fair, I had low expectations going into the meeting and I was confident that I would not learn anything new about my past. Well, not only did I learn more than I hoped for, I also learned more than I wanted to know. Some things are better left untold.

For starters, I learned more about my foster family. My foster mother's name is (was) Mrs. Lee Hyochang. She was born in 1919, but due to poor record keeping (I heard that a lot during the meeting), Holt is unable to locate her to determine if she is still living. As it turns out, I was the 5th baby Ms. Lee fostered for Holt. She and her family members were (are) a very poor family in Choonchun, who worked in a factory. While I do not remember them, they sound like saints. Pause. Suck in tears. Secondly, the case worker at Holt did some background work prior to my arrival and she contacted Choonchun city hall to inquire about my birth registration. Of course, (due to poor record keeping...blah blah blah), they have no record of me. So, in summary, I am non-existent in the "eyes" of Korea. Gee, no shit. In many ways, that applies to the old days and still holds true for modern Korean society today. Taboo and, in some cases pure denial...nice combination. To add insult to injury (not intentional), the case worker mentioned that I was only in Ohsoonjul Babies Home (orphanage) for two days before I went to my foster home. The case worker said that was very unusual at that time because traditionally, Ohsoonjul kept babies, and other missing/lost children for up to three months in the off chance that the birth family, etc. would change their minds and return. Needless to say, I was a "special" case. I could interpret that to mean that someone was wise enough to know that my life in Korea would be less than pleasant, so why not give me away in hopes that I'd have a higher quality of life? Yeah, I've pretty much come to terms with that over the course of my life, but for a brief moment today, I was back in the bowels of my emotional development feeling betrayed, bitter, angry, and confused. This should make my visit to Choonchun extra interesting. At least, I will have some geographical/cultural perspective (thank you for the reference Eric).

The emotional "appetizer" for the day happened prior to my appointment with Holt, while I was shopping with my friend/colleague Maria. We were in a skincare shop and what do we see..."Double Eyelid Tape." Ok, seriously, WTF????????? I've spent my whole life trying to get people to recognize, understand, and appreciate my Asian-ness and Koreans are selling double eyelid tape and having double eyelid surgery to make them more "beautiful." So, should I be flattered?? Let me get this straight, many members of society do not value or want diversity in their society and some deny it even exists, yet the new standard of beauty is inherently less Korean. Got it. I digress...

Good morning all. Nothing like a healthy dose of reality to start your day. Thankfully, tomorrow is a new day.